Villain Fail
by Lost to the Hoping
Summary: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives. Sequel to Prelude to a Picnic and The Picnic. Shonen ai, implied malexmale
1. Kidnapping for Dummies

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca**_** do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.  
A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**. In fact, this would be a sequel spurred on by Azhwi's love of KureixJoker and Kurei's own inherent prickly-ness.  
**  
xXx

_1. Kidnapping for Dummies_

After coming to the realization that no one offered him the proper respect (and fear) anymore, Kurei decided to do something about it. So, he got all dressed up and did the biggest thing he could think of to piss the Hokage team off.

He kidnapped Yanagi.

Of course, being Yanagi (and thus fearless), she was quite amiable to the whole scheme. It could less be called a 'kidnapping' and more a 'persuaded visitation for dubious reasoning'.

I.e., when Kurei showed up and informed her she was being kidnapped, she forced him to wait an unreasonable amount of time while she packed an over-night bag ("I shouldn't need more than that; Recca will come get me by morning- is this the new game you guys are playing? I think it's lovely that you're bonding so well!") as well as some food for the both of them.

He told himself that he put up with it for her cooking. It was either that or Joker's cooking, he reasoned, and he really didn't feel like going to the hospital. His pride (and reputation) could only bear so much.

xXx

When they got to his choice of a hideout, Joker and Raiha were waiting. Both seemed intensely curious, but obeyed his orders without questioning him (even if Joker did muse that he was being awfully gentlemanly). Everything went smoothly from there. Sort of.

The heroes came, they kicked everyone's asses, and rescued Yanagi. His reputation was intact! Until...

"Oh, and Kurei-san is so kind! He let me order a pizza, and then I cooked, and then Joker-san and I played a board game but I lost, and Raiha-san made sure I was comfortable with a lot of books and-"

Kurei slinked off, fuming, at the indulgent look on his little brother's face. _Fucking minions._

xXx

**This is actually directly inspired by a line in _The Picnic_:**

"**_He went ignored, as usual. He should get that fixed soon; no one feared him anymore._"**

**And of course Azhwi prodded and prodded until my muse gave up sulking at her for working him to death and this story was born. There are 7 parts, in total, all relatively short and _already written_. So I'll be posting one chapter a week (hopefully). Enjoy and review.**


	2. World Domination is so Last Season

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca **_**do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.  
A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**.**

2. _World Domination is So Last Season_

His next plan involved an attempt at world domination. Of course, he wasn't actually interested in taking over the world. It was far too much work to govern that many people and anyway, he couldn't see his brother _actually_ doing what he told him to do without a mass amount of brainwashing, some gum and a bit of PVC pipe.

But it was his reputation at stake, his _livelihood_, and so he commenced his plan. If all else failed, he'd make sure Joker got some PVC pipe from the Home Depot down the road.

Anyway, said plan involved a lot of patience. _And_ a little bit of cleverness, but... mostly patience. Which really wasn't something Kurei had in spades and so Raiha was forced to be patient for the both of them. His only request was that in the end, Kurei try not to piss "Miss Fuuko" off too much. He had a date with her on Saturday.

If he hadn't been so involved with pretending to take over the world and make it seem like he wasn't pretending, he would have paused to consider that warning, and the implications. He would have then realize that Raiha wasn't convinced anymore either. However, as it was, he was too distracted and thus missed it entirely (which was probably a good thing for Raiha).

Inevitably, Recca and company caught wind of his "diabolical plans". Though this had less to do with a lack of acceptable security and was more about Joker dropping unsubtle hints while in line at the pharmacy. His description of the younger Hokage's face at that moment was, "A little like a cat having a seizure while hacking up a fur-ball." Kurei rolled his eyes, smacked his friend- _minion_ upside the head, and went back to what he'd been doing.

Though, in all honesty, he was incredibly pleased by his minion's ninja skills. _Er, no._ He was pleased by Joker's _news_, not his skills. _Yes..._

xXx

By some sadistic twist of fate, Kurei and Joker got locked in a closet five days later with Yanagi. Of course, Recca was running around assuming Kurei had kidnapped her again (which was just fine with the older brother, so long as his plan worked). In actuality, it was all that idiot Domon's fault. _He _was the one that hadn't been looking as he shoved the door closed (pushing the overly-curious "Hime" inside) and locked it.

Meanwhile, Kurei was stuck there with an ally and a girl with a lunch box, and so they did the only thing that even vaguely made sense. They had lunch.

When Recca found them, he accused Kurei of trying to shack up with Yanagi, Kurei expressed his overwhelming disgust, and Joker nearly lost a lung from laughing so hard. Also, Raiha was missing, but Kurei was too pissed to notice.

This would prove to be an incredible oversight, as it turned out, because while he was stuck in a closet, Raiha was dutifully taking over the world for him.

Who knew the honorable ninja was a closet villain?

xXx

**Bwahahahahaha. I should have named this "When not to leave your minion alone". XDD**


	3. Who Says Thievery is Petty?

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca**_** do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.  
A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**.**

_3. Who Says Thievery is Petty?_

After that whole fiasco, Kurei ran away and decided to lay low a while (and was quite pleased that he'd gotten the blame for Raiha's independent actions). During this time, as he was wont to do, Joker got _very_bored. And because it's Joker - and Joker is a ninja that hangs out with ninjas - they obviously had to come up with an appropriately shinobi-level game to pass the time.

In this case, it involved sneaking into the Hokage group's houses, stealing something, and leaving undiscovered. This worked just fine for several days, until dawn of Friday when Joker snuck into Yanagi's house to steal anything yummy-looking from her refrigerator.

Now normally, Yanagi wakes up at 6AM on the dot every morning to either start chores or get ready for school (which, obviously, included making lunch for her and Recca). However, Fridays were different, _special_ even. Every Friday morning, she got up _two whole hours_earlier, shuffled downstairs and made lunch for all of the Hokage team.

When she came downstairs that Friday morning, it was to find Joker in her kitchen, mouth stuffed and a turkey in hand. She screamed (it might be prudent to note that said screaming was out of surprise more than actual fear. In fact, fear wasn't really even in the equation).

xXx

Kurei blinked as a very disheveled Joker returned several hours later, holding three large bags of food in hand (including the aforementioned turkey). "I thought you were getting something _simple_?" he asked, frowning at the other ninja.

"Uh... I was caught." Joker blinked at him sheepishly. "Recca beat me up, and then Yanagi gave me a bunch of food. She said we should come over for dinner tomorrow night."

Not really sure what to think about this, Kurei instead helped him bring the food inside, and made Raiha heat them up some breakfast. He was the boss after all; he shouldn't _have_ to do menial chores. Anyway, Raiha was less likely to make the food explode from looking at it.

xXx

**I'm updating! OMG! Hehe. Just in case anyone missed the memo, I'm doing NaNoWriMo right now! But, I've got plenty of stuff saved up to update while I'm busy writing, so you guys should see an update every few days. When I have a moment to do so. And I'm not exhausted/already asleep on my feet. Dx It's sad that this is a rare thing during NaNo. T.T Don't worry- I'm working on arranging my schedule. (and if you wanna read the rest of this rant, PM me and I'll link you to my blog... .)**

**Anyway. I love you to pieces, Azhwi! This story is for youuuu!**

Posted: 11/2/12


	4. Mental Trauma is Uncalled For

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca **_**do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.  
A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**.**

_4. Mental Trauma is Uncalled For_

Dinner was nice. There wasn't a lot of violence. It turned into a bit of a pot-luck, though, since not just Raiha but also Fuuko brought some food along with them. Domon even picked some sodas up from a local store as per request of the hostess.

It would have been nicer if Kurei and Recca didn't spend the whole time glaring at each other across the table. Luckily, because Yanagi is secretly clever that way, they weren't posted within reach of each other and so there was no need for excessive physical attempt at murder.

Not that it wasn't attempted _anyway _but the knock-down drag-out and ensuing beat-down a la Fuuko is a story for another time and has very little to do with the point of this part of the story.

That point _being_, of course, the traumatized look on Kurei's face when he walked in on his little brother stealing kisses from their surprised hostess. He would later blame Raiha for insisting he go see what was taking them so long with the dessert.

Mikagami, who had up until that point managed to avoid any and all notice, got pictures of Kurei's face. Then he beat the tar out of Recca and escorted a stunned Yanagi to bed before beating on Recca some more.

Kurei left him to it and quickly escaped the madhouse.

xXx

His efforts to forget the whole ordeal were thwarted later the next day when a clearly distressed Yanagi showed up on his doorstep begging for help. He reasoned that he only let her in because she could heat up some of the food she'd sent over (Raiha was off on the delayed date with Fuuko, apparently).

She started cooking before he could even ask, so he was content to listen to her babble. "... and I didn't know he _felt _that way! I mean, I really like him, I do, I just thought he was my friend and-"

It degraded from there, but Kurei got the gist. After a few minutes longer of listening to her nearly work herself up to tears, he decided it was probably best to prevent it. (_No_, he was not doing this to be nice, it was because he didn't want tears in his food, exactly.)

"So you're upset _because_ he likes you and you like him? Or because he just suddenly kissed you and you don't know what to do about it?" he asked, trying to refrain from twitching. He was already flashing back to that horrible image of Recca trapping Yanagi against the counter and shoving his tongue down her throat (_Fucking __**ew**_).

Yanagi sniffled and nodded, turning the stove off. She turned big, brown doe eyes on him, clearly hoping he had some way of fixing all this or at least giving her good advice. And even though he wasn't all that good with advice (and he was supposed to be the bad guy), he couldn't resist that look, just like _everyone else_.

So he opened his big mouth. Two minutes later, Yanagi left crying again, and Joker - whom had been eavesdropping - dissolved into helpless giggles. "'Why don't you just fuck him'? _Really_?!" cackled his minion, face red with the force of his laughter. "Traumatize the poor girl, why don't you!"

Kurei dumped him off the balcony and moodily went about his day.

xXx

**I know. It's been forever. I'm so sorry. I got... caught up. .; We finished our NaNo word count (which was 100k) but we haven't yet finished the story. And I've been obsessing over my solo original stuff (mainly my fantasy series _The Trader's Daughter_). So yeah...**

**anyway, feedback is VERY APPRECIATED! Thanks for reading.**

Posted: Dec 8, 2012


	5. Like Grade-School All Over Again

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca**_** do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.**

**A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**. Also, this whole series is written assuming that the whole thing with Neon and Kurei never happened, because frankly I didn't like that rather suddenly-concocted relationship to begin with. May be ignoring the whole 'Tendo Jigoku' debacle as well... just fyi.**

**Actually, we'll just say it went AU after the Tournament, and Mori faded to the background, Kurei popped back up eventually, and everything's as silly as it is in my head. *sheepish***

_Like Grade-School All Over Again_

Over the next month or so, a horrifying realization was beginning to dawn on Kurei. He might not be a villain. He might be an _anti-hero_. Oh, the _horror_.

Not only that, he was pretty sure that Joker had started stalking him for shits and giggles, and Raiha kept disappearing whenever the topic of villainy came up. Also, Neon was pining after him again.

Normally, he wouldn't really care about that last point, except it seemed to be creating some sort of strange friction between her and Joker, and he really didn't want them to be distracted when he was trying to prove he _wasn't _an anti-hero. So he did something about it.

'Something' included throwing Joker off the balcony again and sending Neon on a mission, some vague recon of one of Kurei's enemies that was bound to take her six months at least. Then he left to torment his brother.

Raiha found Joker in the bushes, and smirked down at him. "He still hasn't noticed?"

"I keep expecting him to start pulling on my braid when my back is turned," the upside-down ninja replied, pouting.

Laughing softly, the other male reached down and helped his friend up. "Like a third-grader?"

"Uhg."

xXx

A little while later found Kurei standing in front of his brother, whom hadn't even bothered rising to the elder's baiting. Instead, he was pouting. _A lot._

"What the hell _is _your problem?" Kurei demanded, and kicked Recca in the face.

Recca, now sprawled out on the stoop of his house, glared up at him. "Oi, bastard, knock it off. Can't you tell when a guy's busy thinking?!"

Kurei just stomped down, aiming for the head, but Recca dodged this time. "Who says I _care_?"

"But I made Yanagi _cry_!" Recca whined despondently.

The older brother paused for all of two seconds, debated the wisdom of correcting him, and decided it wasn't worth it. "So? Why should I give a shit?"

"AUGH, YOU'RE SO INSENSITIVE!" Recca yelled like a girl, and lunged at him.

Ten minutes later, the both of them were collapsed on the grass, gasping for breath and nursing minor burns all over their bodies. Kurei shot a glower at him. "Again, why should I care about your stupid problems?"

Recca pouted, poking at a gash on his elbow. "You're my brother!" he pointed out.

"... so?"

"So why don't you try being brotherly?"

"... are you _aiming _to make me vomit, or is that just a side-effect?"

"Fuck you!"

"Ew."

Thus followed another bitch- _fist _fight, and absolutely nothing was resolved. Then again, that was the way these guys rolled.

xXx

**Yeah. I know. Not as funny as the others. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed anyway!**

Posted: 12/13/12


	6. Losing is Overrated

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca **_**do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.  
A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**.**

_A. Losing is Overrated_

Life went on. People got hospitalized. Yanagi cooked. Recca decided enough was enough and finally threw himself to the floor begging for forgiveness. Yanagi told him she'd only forgive him if he took her on a date.

Happiness, bunnies, kittens... And then, of course, there was a villain to inevitably pop up and destroy the peace.

The guy ran around proclaiming how he would destroy all the Hokage (and he even had the audacity to tack on, "_And friends_"!) and consume every single one of the madogu to ensure his victory of the world.

Needless to say, this ended with some sort of collaboration on Recca and Kurei's parts, and a little bit of closet-villainy a la Raiha. To their dismay, even _this _wasn't enough to get rid of the guy. He just ran away.

On the bright side, somehow Kurei lost his shirt.

(_What? It's fanservice._)

xXx

Along came the dreaded final battle. Ninja on all sides came to the battle-field, fully equipped for an apocalypse show-down. All were prepared to destroy their nemesis and take part in difficult fights. They were not disappointed.

Fights were taken part in. Nemesi were destroyed. Joker looked hot; Kurei noticed. Raiha disappeared again (this time with Fuuko). Yanagi made dinner afterwards (Mikagami refused to let Recca go anywhere alone with her).

They had acquired a tag-a-long, as was tradition for them when they fought against enemies. Her name was Hisui and she thought Domon was cute.

Thus ended another battle for the world (and madogu). Raiha and Fuuko were still missing after dinner, and Kurei was beginning to become a bit concerned. Not because he believed them to be at all in any danger.

No, he was more worried that his most loyal ninja and best friend had eloped. Then it would just be him, Neon and Joker, and who wanted to be stuck alone in a room with those two? (Though, he admitted privately, since Neon was still missing it should be alright.)

xXx

**This was... a bridge between the last chapter and the fifth chapter. ^^; Anyway, happy new years, merry Christmas, happy Yule, etc etc etc! May you all find happiness!**


	7. Drastic Measures are Called For

**Villain Fail  
Characters: KureixJoker, implied FuukoxRaiha, ReccaxYanagi, mentions of others  
Description: Five bids for ego, two attempts to gain affection, and Raiha's closet-villainy. Also, Yanagi's cooking saves lives.  
Dedication: Azhwi, who has been poking me to write more FoR fics since she read what I have of it.  
Rating: M (Because I like the F-bomb)  
Warning: Crack, AU, Vast OOC, making fun of Kurei  
Disclaimer: Characters and **_**Flame of Recca **_**do not belong to me, but to Anzai Nobuyuki. I am responsible for creating the situation, and the storyline only. Please do not take and use or post elsewhere without my express permission. Thank you.  
A/N: In the same universe as **_**Prelude to a Picnic**_** and **_**The Picnic**_**.**

_B. Drastic Measures are Called For_

Two weeks. Two _weeks _had passed. Joker kept waiting. And waiting. And giving Kurei tailor-made opportunities to make a move on him. And then waiting some more.

… _nothing_ happened. Absolutely nothing. Things went on as they had before. Raiha was still missing (Kurei seemed to be convinced that Raiha had eloped with Fuuko), and Neon was absolutely nowhere in sight. It was just _them_, for fuck's sake, it shouldn't be a hard thing to do.

It wasn't even as if Kurei was still in denial. Joker had been pretty blatant about his attraction (hadn't he?) and he'd been _sure _to be as sexy as possible during that big battle two weeks prior.

Finally fed up, Joker got up and started to plan. Something had to be done, after all, and if Kurei wouldn't do it, he sure as hell would.

xXx

As Kurei came to, his mind immediately began to note things. Like the fact that he was tied to a chair, and his head hurt a bit (had someone knocked him out?). Also there was the distinct scent of candle smoke and... _ham_?

He opened his eyes, relieved that he didn't need to wince over bright light. The atmosphere was decidedly muted, and he was sitting in a chair with a spread of delicious-looking food laid out before him.

Looking across the table, he expected Neon, but instead found a smirking Joker. His brain stalled. _Wait. Back up. What? _"Joker?" he asked a little dazedly. The last thing he remembered was... training, yes. He'd been training in the dojo downstairs. And then someone had come in... Joker, right. Claiming he had something for Kurei... but the rest of it was a blur. He honestly couldn't remember any details beyond Joker entering the dojo.

Also, he was _starving _and that food looked delicious. Had he already said that?

"Hungry?" Joker asked smugly, watching him stare down at the food. He got up and circled the small table, quickly untying Kurei.

Of course, he was immediately slammed to the floor. Kurei frowned, fingers wrapped around Joker's throat, and looked at the floor. It was furnished in red carpet... and ten feet beyond the table was... a bed in red... "What the _fuck _is this place?" he demanded furiously.

"... I couldn't possibly come up with a better way to describe it," Joker squeaked out. "Can I breathe?"

Kurei's eyes narrowed, and he stayed like that for a minute before releasing the other male and crossing his arms. "Well?"

"Let's _eat_. I'll explain over dinner!" Joker chirped, still grinning. He hadn't stopped, really, and it was starting to mildly creep Kurei out.

But, since Kurei _was_hungry, he grudgingly sat down and dug in. Joker waited until his mouth was full to drop the bomb. "I want to fuck you."

Dead silence. A part of Kurei's mind noted that it was a good thing he'd _just _swallowed because otherwise he'd be choking right now. As it was, all he could do was stare at Joker in disbelief.

Joker took this as leave to continue. "Because I find you attractive and you haven't done anything even though _I know _you feel the same way." He pointedly picked up his chopsticks and started to eat, leaving that for Kurei to mull over.

Not that it needed a lot of thought. Even though Kurei decided revenge was needed for the whole knocking-him-out-and-tying-him-up thing, Joker was hot. There really wasn't another way he'd rather go.

xXx

**Bwahahahaha. And we end on a laugh. Yeah. Ahem. Review? Please?**


End file.
